The Sun sits down with a psychologist
By Sunni Battin
Sun Correspondent
Valentine’s Day is a day dedicated to romance. A day to celebrate partnerships and the person who you walk through life with.
To have a happy relationship, it must be healthy. But what does a healthy relationship look like?
The Sun sat down with assistant professor in the department of Psychology at New Mexico Highlands University Dr. Sarah Tracy and asked some relationship questions. She offered some insights into that age-old question.
“Healthy relationships start with secure childhood attachments to parents and caregivers,” she said. “When your parents interact with you in healthy ways, such as setting reasonable boundaries while providing love and praise, you feel more confident in yourself and are able to be authentic in relationships.”
Additionally, she adds navigating relationship dynamics also happens early by observing the social interactions of parents and others and what their preferences and objections are. Then it builds to articulating needs and wants in a relationship and airing concerns without fighting.
“We must be realistic, however, and understand that our negative emotions give us a lot of information, just as our positive ones do,” Tracy explained. “This is emotional intelligence, and it is the ability to understand the information gleaned from our emotions. EI also includes the ability to manage our emotions so we can respond accurately to the situation.”
She also said that the old saying “opposites attract” is false.
LOOKING AT YOURSELF
According to Tracy, a critical first step before entering into a relationship is doing a self-inventory.
Happiness with oneself first is a must and a constant progression and continual process. Any healthy relationship starts from a person’s inner core.
“Hurt people hurt people, so make sure you are healthy and healed so you don’t inflict undue pain onto your partner,” Tracy said.
Other important considerations for a balanced partnership include asking questions, checking in to see what a partner’s short- and long-term goals for the relationship are, indicating whether the couple believes the relationship is moving in the same or a different direction. In addition, boundary setting is a positive contributor to a successful relationship as it instills respect, fosters trust, and creates communication around healthy and unhealthy behaviors.
“We need to be active drivers of setting and maintaining boundaries around our needs, while being reasonable and considering your partner’s needs,” Tracy said. “In other words, boundary setting shouldn’t be selfish.”
TALK TO EACH OTHER
At the foundation of any healthy relationship is effective communication. Clear, concise, and consistent communication can minimize misunderstandings and resolve conflicts amicably. Tracy said strong and healthy communication including being heard and validated plus good listening skills nurture a relationship. Further, she advises paying attention to when the other person is talking and not thinking about your own situation.
“One way to ensure you are doing this is to rephrase what they just told you and say you want to make sure you understand correctly,” she said. “This also opens the door for your partner to let you know if you aren’t understanding them correctly. Further, communication reduces assumptions. Assumptions are killers of relationships.”
Also, communication plays a pivotal role in conflict resolution. Tracy said it may not be about what was said, but rather how it is said that makes all the difference. In other words, choose words carefully and kindness goes a long way. Additionally, Tracy suggests addressing problems and concerns as they arise instead of letting them fester.
“Since we can’t control others, and can only try to control ourselves, that’s where you start and finish,” she said. “Wait until you are not upset since stress reduces your ability to think clearly. Then focus on what you can change and be concrete about it.”
While mutual respect, trust, equality, and open communication are some of the key factors in a healthy relationship, so too are paying attention to warning signs. Red flags can include manipulation, belittling, uncontrolled anger, secrecy, control, lying, cheating, and jealousy.
“If your partner says they have to know where you are and what you’re doing at all times, that’s controlling,” Tracy said. “If they tell you whom you can hang out with and what you are allowed to wear, that’s controlling. This controlling behavior is rooted in insecurity and won’t resolve until the person realizes this and wants to make changes. Ultimately, when you don’t feel free to be yourself in the relationship, that is an indicator that something needs to change.”
